Sunday, Bloody Sunday

Caveat: The title for this entry is, perhaps, a reference that only my coworkers will understand. For anyone who'd appreciate clarification, feel free to email me. :-P

Well, the humble library at which I work has employed a group known formally as the Safety Patrol. This group of fearless student workers can and will escort paranoid employees and patrons to and from their vehicles. The fine folks of Safety Patrol wear "intimidating" neon orange vests over their street clothes. To me, they practically yell, "Hall Monitor" as opposed to "Protector of the Weak and Meek" but I digress. When they are not escorting, members of the Safety Patrol wait in the foyer of various buildings on the campus, including the library.

Among the Safety Patrol are two individuals to whom I will refer to as Dee and Dum. Dee and Dum are a couple of student escorts that are roughly the same size and shape (sort of like Humpty Dumpty). I believe that I, standing five feet eight inches, am taller than both. They don't scare me much. Once, after an incident with a CLG (Creepy Looking Guy or Creepy Library Guy), I actually considered enlisting the help of Dee but she was on her cell phone. So, I bravely managed to find my car without CLG harassment.

Once, one of the directors asked me if I had ever utilized the services of the Safety Patrol. I told him “No, I haven’t.” He asked, “Why not?” I responded, “Well, I’m taller than they are.”
Some of my coworkers let the powers that be know that it was scary coming into the library when having to open it at 6:30 in the morning. Honestly, I prefer the buddy system.

Thus, they assigned this pre-dawn patrol to the ever-popular library fixture of Ed Dominic*. (Ed had been a shelving assistant at the library until he was “relieved of his duties” due to his bossing around of other shelving assistants). Let’s just say Ed is a prize short of a Happy Meal. This is who the police chief determined could walk around with a walkie-talkie, “securing the area” in his official neon orange vest. We’re to call on Ed if we need any help in the morning. Of all people! Well, I must admit that with his black, faux snakeskin boots, and Garth Brooks style cowboy hat, Ed is actually taller than me. Nevertheless, I have opted for the buddy system, asking “Hey, can we walk out together? I feel better going with you than with Ed Dominic.”

As one of my coworkers put it, Ed probably rode the short bus to school. She’d also rather risk her life at the choking hands of a mugger than walk to and from the parking lot with Ed Dominic. If she or anyone else did have Ed accompany them to the parking lot and some unsavory type attacked, Ed would most like run back to the library, yelling “Call 411” into his walkie-talkie instead of the proper “Call 911.”

Can I get some mace? Whether or not I will use it on a would be attacker or the Safety Patrol is another story. . .

* Name changed to protect me from the quintessential CLG.